Line of Whim

by Nicole Black

Not in a Box

Not in a Box

by Nicole Black

My experience with my Diagnosis

I have what some call PTSD with D.I.D. These are big acronyms for big boxes of symptoms. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Dissociative Identity Disorder are the labels on my boxes. I have been placed in another box for convenience, as Bi-polar Disorder Type 2. The health professionals who placed me in that box did so without a thorough diagnostic analysis of my symptoms. Also I believe it easier to be labeled Bi-Polar Disorder instead of PTSD for families because the cause is blameless. My 13^th therapist listened to my experiences and my symptoms and helped me understand that my aversion to the Bi-polar box was correct. Thus we began the intensive therapy that would aid me in managing my symptoms. I am in my sixth year of psycho-analysis and 3^rd of cognitive therapy. By combining the two I have made swift strides in my development.

One stumbling block for me was the stereo-types associated with each diagnosis. PTSD is viewed as an event of one trauma to heal from. However, if one has had prolonged traumas, and/or trauma during early development, healing is more like managing symptoms because the disorder may have become chronic.  Since I have experienced prolonged traumas during early development as well as in my adult life my PTSD is chronic. Some call this Complex PTSD.

D.I.D. has been generally understood as multiple personality disorder. Typically people with this disorder lose time and have very distinct alter-personalities. However, in my case I do not lose time and my alter-personalities are better described as shadow selves. According to the Mayo Clinic website, Dissociative amnesia (loss of time) and Dissociative Identity Disorder (alternate personalities) usually go hand in hand.  I experience Depersonalization Disorder with Dissociative Identity Disorder. Life looks like a movie and I watch a character who looks like me act in the movie. I don’t know which character, shadow-self, will appear on the screen or what she will do to get through the scene; I watch with great interest and remember all the details until the movie ends. When I feel in my body looking out into the real world and I see no movie I have to deal with what happened in the “movie”.  The movie usually starts in highly stressful situations.  

Because I have had PTSD for so long I am use to flinching at touch and jumping at loud noises. My hyper awareness of surroundings is also par for my course. The trouble I find is when others point out or respond extremely to these “quirks” of mine. I don’t expect the world to change. I accept I will be triggered. How I manage those triggers is my recovery. My long time friends are use to my quirks. They are gracious people and do not call attention to them. When nervous I also stutter. Again, with grace and patience from friends I get my words out without embarrassment. My long time friends also know my shadow selves very well. However, for the past six years they have said goodbye to many and nurtured some. They understand that some shadow selves only rise to the skin surface due to extreme stress. Their lives tend not to be chaotic, meaning low stress. So, when I am with them I am free to be myself and I am comfortable.

Dealing with my family is harder. They love and want to support me. But sometimes the opposite occurs. My Mother has gotten much support from going to NAMI meetings. These meetings help her help me recover better. Some family members do not want to know the details of my traumas. This is difficult because I have to behave as if the traumas we not as bad as I felt and do not affect me.  It feels like a lie. It is hard to lie when I am trying to heal. Mental illness does not only affect the individual; it can affect an entire family. If that family really wants to support the person with the mental illness they can educate themselves and work on their own issues that may inhibit healing. My family has struggled in the ways they support me. We are finding realistic solutions and exploring what support means to each of us.

As I integrate my shadow selves and nurture my core personality, I accept the symptoms I cannot change and embrace the endurance required for the ones I can. I find support from those who have similar experiences. We share what works and what felt like a primrose path. We shed tears that don’t scare each other because we understand the root.  We encourage each other to keep trying and to nurture our dreams. My longtime friends cheer me on during this process. Some have been through it themselves. Some just know that I want to feel different. In both cases I feel real and loved. PTSD and D.I.D.  can make me feel less than real. That has been the biggest challenge, understanding and participating in reality. In the next 3-4 years I hope to manage in a way that I can be self supporting and truly self nurturing.  It will take all that I have and possibly more, but I will get there.

World Series or Bust

After a historical 2012 campaign the Washington Nationals (Nats) have set their sights higher for the upcoming season.  According to manager Davey Johnson getting knocked out of last year’s National League Division Series in five games by the St. Louis Cardinals made him want to make 2013 even more special.  Since he claims this will be his final year managing in the Major League’s Johnson has stated that anything less than a World Series title will be a disappointment.  During the offseason the Nats acquired Denard Span from the Minnesota Twins to shore up their centerfield position and provide the team with a leadoff hitter.  Also, they got a fifth starter in Dan Haren from the Oakland A’s who is expected to fill the fifth spot in the pitching rotation that was vacated by Edwin Jackson.  In the bullpen the Nats signed Rafael Soriano to become their new closer.  With Opening Day now behind them on April 1st (no fooling!!!) you can almost feel the excitement surrounding this year’s Nats squad.  The season started against the Miami Marlins at Nationals Park at 1:05.  Behind two home runs off the bat of Bryce Harper and seven strong innings on the mound from Stephen Strasburg the Nats would start the season with a 2 – 0 victory.              

by Kris L.

Why do Catholics go to church on Sunday instead of Saturday?

Catholics go to church on Sunday because it was the day of the resurrection. Although the ten commandants say to keep holy the Sabbath day, this was part of the covenant with the Jewish. Catholics do not have to follow it because Jesus started a new covenant saying that it doesn’t need to be done. We don’t have a Sabbath day but we do have the Lord’s day, which is Sunday.

-Ray J

White smoke, new Pope.

 

The new Pope was finally elected on March 13 and took on the name “Pope Francis”. He is the first Pope not only to take on the name “Francis” but is also the first to be from a country that was from South America since he was the Cardinal of Argentina. He is not to be called “Pope Francis I” because in order for him to get that title there would have to be a future Pope with the name Francis. The current Pope is just called “Pope Francis”.

By, Ray J

Luminosity

Luminosity.com is a website that helps with brain function. They have a couple of games that are automatically free but the problem is that for further use you would have to sign up to a payment plan.

Ray J.

What happens when the Pope steps down?

The process of replacing the Pope once he steps down is a simple one. An election is held to determine who the new pope will be known as the “Papal conclave”. This election is a meeting of the” College of Cardinals” (Cardinals being a bishop who watches over a country or nation) assembled to elect a new Bishop of Rome, also known as the Pope. There are three stages of election: the "pre-scrutiny", the "scrutiny", and the "post-scrutiny." The “pre-scrutiny” determines who the nominees are, the “scrutiny” is actually voting for a nominee, and “post-scrutiny” is the count of the ballots. 

Ray J

World Champions

On Sunday, February 3 the Baltimore Ravens took on the San Francisco 49ers in Super Bowl XLVII (Forty Seven) at the Mercedes – Benz SuperDome in New Orleans, Louisiana.  After the Ravens sprinted out to a 28 – 6 lead early in the third quarter a bank of lights suddenly went out and delayed action for over half an hour.  This couldn’t have come at a worse time for the Ravens because when play resumed the 49ers had all the momentum on their side and pulled within 31 – 29.  However, the 49ers would get no closer and the Ravens would hold on for a 34 – 31 victory and bring the Vince Lombardi Championship Trophy back to Baltimore for the second time.  Previously, the Ravens had won Super Bowl XXXV (Thirty – Five) back in 2001.  This time around the Ravens made a fourth down goal line stand in the final two minutes to preserve the victory.  For the first time in Super Bowl history there were two brothers coaching against each other with John Harbaugh leading the Ravens and Jim Harbaugh leading the 49ers.  Personally, as my second favorite team (the Redskins are my first) I am enjoying this because I am well enough to feel the excitement of an area team being World Champions.  The last time the Ravens won the Super Bowl I was in the psych ward at Montgomery General Hospital and don’t remember much about that game.  However, now that I am fully recovered I am able to fully enjoy the Ravens most recent Super Bowl title.
by Kris L.

 

   

Art Downtown Review

Shock of the News Exhibit

National Gallery of Art East Wing

On Friday January 25^th members of Studio In Sight went to the East Wing of the National Gallery of Art to see a exhibit on the history of collage. Everyone had a good time learning about the medium, and how in the beginning newspapers were a key element. Some of the works of art that stood out for me were: Edward Burra Composition Collage 1929- two couples created out of newspaper cutouts in a cafe, Marcel Broodthaers The Black Problem in Belgium 1963-Belgium paper with black painted plastic eggs, and Douglas Hubebler Location Piece #6- National 1970- a series of photos with typed captions. Viewing these works gave me some new ideas about my own collage works and an appreciation for all the ideas and works that came before me.

                We also went to the permanent collection gallery. I took some photos of my favorites; however I do not have names for all the images. The large Motherwell painting I have been sitting with since I was 15 years old. I feel serene at one with myself when I visit the painting.

 Motherwell

 

 

 

 

The waterfall by the café also gives me a sense of serenity.

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

These are some Pieces that caught my eye and intrigued my heart.

 

 

The National Gallery of Art is a part of the Smithsonian Institute, so it is free to visit. With easy metro access it is a good outing. I had a great time and I hope the other members of Studio In Sight did as well.

Nicole Black

Advocacy

On January 29, 2013, St. Luke/Threshold United took four of their clients to the mental health rally in Annapolis.  I listened to the legislators speak at the rally.  It was so much fun, that I decided to tell my mental health story.   I also talked about how we needed day programs and affordable housing in St. Luke’s House/Threshold Services United’s programs and in Maryland.  In addition, I talked about my job coach and my rehabilitation coordinator who help me with my meds.  I also talked about my therapist and psychiatrist at my day program.  I was so excited to speak on behalf of those with a mental illness

beth w

My Christmas Outing

On Saturday, December 15 Eric Gordon took several clients (including myself) from the Life Skills Program (LSP) to see the Christmas lights at Seneca Creek State Park.  After meeting some clients at Southport we did pick – ups at the Wheaton North building and went to the food court at Wheaton Plaza for an early dinner.  Then it was off on a driving tour that took approximately one hour with 97.1 Wash FM’s Christmas music playing on the van’s radio.  At the end of the evening Eric dropped off those clients at their residences that would normally take public transportation home because it was dark and he was already on the road.  In conclusion, this is one of my favorite LSP weekend activities because the lights are so colorful.      

by Kris L.

2 Books of Influence

Words I Choose to Live By

I have found two books that have helped me deal with my fears regarding my place in the world and how to manage that place with peace and love.

One book is The Epicurus Reader: Selected Writings and Testimonials translated and edited by Brad Inwood and L.P. Gerson (Hackett Publishing Inc. 1994). This book focuses on the Ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus (341BC-270BC). The premise and purpose of his philosophy was to attain happiness through tranquility in life. By meeting with students in a garden and including women students Epicurus stood apart from the other schools of thought of the era. Experiencing the richness of everyday things such as eating and walking one can discover the connection to the naturalness of living.

The Second book is The Art of Peace by Morihei Ueshiba, the founder of the martial art of Aikido. This is a book of instructions through contemplations and a philosophy that love is the root of warriors. Morihei Ueshiba (1883–1969) was the founder of Aikido. At age eighteen, Ueshiba joined the Japanese military, during which time he also developed his skills in the martial arts. He eventually left the military, deeply discouraged by the death and destruction that result from combat. Ueshiba continued to experiment with a variety of martial arts, finding particular joy in the spiritual aspects of martial arts. He came to believe that a real warrior was one who was rooted in love, and it was in this spirit that he began to develop Aikido, a martial art that emphasizes harmony and the peaceful resolution of conflict (Google Books, 2010).

Both books address harmony of mind, body, and spirit. Mindfulness is a skill and practice that can aid in recovery and emotional balance.

Nicole Black