Not in a Box

Not in a Box

by Nicole Black

My experience with my Diagnosis

I have what some call PTSD with D.I.D. These are big acronyms for big boxes of symptoms. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Dissociative Identity Disorder are the labels on my boxes. I have been placed in another box for convenience, as Bi-polar Disorder Type 2. The health professionals who placed me in that box did so without a thorough diagnostic analysis of my symptoms. Also I believe it easier to be labeled Bi-Polar Disorder instead of PTSD for families because the cause is blameless. My 13^th therapist listened to my experiences and my symptoms and helped me understand that my aversion to the Bi-polar box was correct. Thus we began the intensive therapy that would aid me in managing my symptoms. I am in my sixth year of psycho-analysis and 3^rd of cognitive therapy. By combining the two I have made swift strides in my development.

One stumbling block for me was the stereo-types associated with each diagnosis. PTSD is viewed as an event of one trauma to heal from. However, if one has had prolonged traumas, and/or trauma during early development, healing is more like managing symptoms because the disorder may have become chronic.  Since I have experienced prolonged traumas during early development as well as in my adult life my PTSD is chronic. Some call this Complex PTSD.

D.I.D. has been generally understood as multiple personality disorder. Typically people with this disorder lose time and have very distinct alter-personalities. However, in my case I do not lose time and my alter-personalities are better described as shadow selves. According to the Mayo Clinic website, Dissociative amnesia (loss of time) and Dissociative Identity Disorder (alternate personalities) usually go hand in hand.  I experience Depersonalization Disorder with Dissociative Identity Disorder. Life looks like a movie and I watch a character who looks like me act in the movie. I don’t know which character, shadow-self, will appear on the screen or what she will do to get through the scene; I watch with great interest and remember all the details until the movie ends. When I feel in my body looking out into the real world and I see no movie I have to deal with what happened in the “movie”.  The movie usually starts in highly stressful situations.  

Because I have had PTSD for so long I am use to flinching at touch and jumping at loud noises. My hyper awareness of surroundings is also par for my course. The trouble I find is when others point out or respond extremely to these “quirks” of mine. I don’t expect the world to change. I accept I will be triggered. How I manage those triggers is my recovery. My long time friends are use to my quirks. They are gracious people and do not call attention to them. When nervous I also stutter. Again, with grace and patience from friends I get my words out without embarrassment. My long time friends also know my shadow selves very well. However, for the past six years they have said goodbye to many and nurtured some. They understand that some shadow selves only rise to the skin surface due to extreme stress. Their lives tend not to be chaotic, meaning low stress. So, when I am with them I am free to be myself and I am comfortable.

Dealing with my family is harder. They love and want to support me. But sometimes the opposite occurs. My Mother has gotten much support from going to NAMI meetings. These meetings help her help me recover better. Some family members do not want to know the details of my traumas. This is difficult because I have to behave as if the traumas we not as bad as I felt and do not affect me.  It feels like a lie. It is hard to lie when I am trying to heal. Mental illness does not only affect the individual; it can affect an entire family. If that family really wants to support the person with the mental illness they can educate themselves and work on their own issues that may inhibit healing. My family has struggled in the ways they support me. We are finding realistic solutions and exploring what support means to each of us.

As I integrate my shadow selves and nurture my core personality, I accept the symptoms I cannot change and embrace the endurance required for the ones I can. I find support from those who have similar experiences. We share what works and what felt like a primrose path. We shed tears that don’t scare each other because we understand the root.  We encourage each other to keep trying and to nurture our dreams. My longtime friends cheer me on during this process. Some have been through it themselves. Some just know that I want to feel different. In both cases I feel real and loved. PTSD and D.I.D.  can make me feel less than real. That has been the biggest challenge, understanding and participating in reality. In the next 3-4 years I hope to manage in a way that I can be self supporting and truly self nurturing.  It will take all that I have and possibly more, but I will get there.