About Me
- Beacon Blogger
- Bethesda, MD
- A staunch believer in recovery, this newsletter provides consumers with the opportunity to express themselves both creatively and intellectually. We welcome your feedback! Please leave us comments :)
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Not in a Box
Not in a Box
by Nicole Black
My experience with my Diagnosis
I have what some call PTSD with
D.I.D. These are big acronyms for big boxes of symptoms. Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder and Dissociative Identity Disorder are the labels on my boxes. I have
been placed in another box for convenience, as Bi-polar Disorder Type 2. The
health professionals who placed me in that box did so without a thorough
diagnostic analysis of my symptoms. Also I believe it easier to be labeled Bi-Polar
Disorder instead of PTSD for families because the cause is blameless. My 13th
therapist listened to my experiences and my symptoms and helped me understand
that my aversion to the Bi-polar box was correct. Thus we began the intensive
therapy that would aid me in managing my symptoms. I am in my sixth year of
psycho-analysis and 3rd of cognitive therapy. By combining the two I
have made swift strides in my development.
One stumbling block for me was the
stereo-types associated with each diagnosis. PTSD is viewed as an event of one trauma
to heal from. However, if one has had prolonged traumas, and/or trauma during
early development, healing is more like managing symptoms because the disorder
may have become chronic. Since I have
experienced prolonged traumas during early development as well as in my adult
life my PTSD is chronic. Some call this Complex PTSD.
D.I.D. has been generally
understood as multiple personality disorder. Typically people with this
disorder lose time and have very distinct alter-personalities. However, in my
case I do not lose time and my alter-personalities are better described as
shadow selves. According to the Mayo Clinic website, Dissociative amnesia (loss
of time) and Dissociative Identity Disorder (alternate personalities) usually
go hand in hand. I experience Depersonalization
Disorder with Dissociative Identity Disorder. Life looks like a movie and I
watch a character who looks like me act in the movie. I don’t know which
character, shadow-self, will appear on the screen or what she will do to get
through the scene; I watch with great interest and remember all the details
until the movie ends. When I feel in my body looking out into the real world
and I see no movie I have to deal with what happened in the “movie”. The movie usually starts in highly stressful
situations.
Because I have had PTSD for so long
I am use to flinching at touch and jumping at loud noises. My hyper awareness
of surroundings is also par for my course. The trouble I find is when others
point out or respond extremely to these “quirks” of mine. I don’t expect the
world to change. I accept I will be triggered. How I manage those triggers is
my recovery. My long time friends are use to my quirks. They are gracious
people and do not call attention to them. When nervous I also stutter. Again,
with grace and patience from friends I get my words out without embarrassment.
My long time friends also know my shadow selves very well. However, for the
past six years they have said goodbye to many and nurtured some. They
understand that some shadow selves only rise to the skin surface due to extreme
stress. Their lives tend not to be chaotic, meaning low stress. So, when I am
with them I am free to be myself and I am comfortable.
Dealing with my family is harder.
They love and want to support me. But sometimes the opposite occurs. My Mother
has gotten much support from going to NAMI meetings. These meetings help her
help me recover better. Some family members do not want to know the details of
my traumas. This is difficult because I have to behave as if the traumas we not
as bad as I felt and do not affect me.
It feels like a lie. It is hard to lie when I am trying to heal. Mental
illness does not only affect the individual; it can affect an entire family. If
that family really wants to support the person with the mental illness they can
educate themselves and work on their own issues that may inhibit healing. My
family has struggled in the ways they support me. We are finding realistic
solutions and exploring what support means to each of us.
As I integrate my shadow selves and
nurture my core personality, I accept the symptoms I cannot change and embrace
the endurance required for the ones I can. I find support from those who have
similar experiences. We share what works and what felt like a primrose path. We
shed tears that don’t scare each other because we understand the root. We encourage each other to keep trying and to
nurture our dreams. My longtime friends cheer me on during this process. Some
have been through it themselves. Some just know that I want to feel different.
In both cases I feel real and loved. PTSD and D.I.D. can make me feel less than real. That has
been the biggest challenge, understanding and participating in reality. In the
next 3-4 years I hope to manage in a way that I can be self supporting and
truly self nurturing. It will take all
that I have and possibly more, but I will get there.
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